Choosing Me

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I am moving soon.  By soon, I mean VERY soon.  While I’ll definitely go into more details later this summer, suffice it to say that I have a lot on my plate this week.  The plan was to pack and work until I dropped, get the house ready (and dog proofed) for someone to stay in it and watch the pups, go on vacation, and then get back this week and pack until the move.

Well I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off,  I packed and worked, the house was cleaned and straightened, I went on an awesome vacation, and now I’m back home….with a full blown sinus infection AND pink eye.  (Seriously though, who gets pink eye at 29 years old?!)

I am experiencing my last chunk of time in a community where I have lived for almost 11 years, trying to say goodbye to dear people, and lovingly pack up the rest of my belongings… and instead of being able to do this on my own terms, I am on antibiotics, contagious, and not feeling very well.  This lack of control over my health and my environment makes me frustrated and frantic.  I can feel the rest of my stuff vibrating behind the closet doors, screaming to be packed into nicely rectangular boxes.

Don’t you love plans?  As a young adult cancer survivor, I can tell you that plans are just beautifully drawn outlines of what we’d like to happen in a perfect world.  They don’t often unfold the way you’d like and choosing self care along the way is up to you.

I want to enjoy my last moments in this wonderful home of mine.  I want to do it on my own terms and in my own time.  And I most assuredly want to do it without my head throbbing and my eyeballs being contagious.  While I can wish I were healthier at this exact moment and sit here feeling pitiful, the seconds of my time in Central Illinois tick by.  While my pulsing sinuses keep the boxes from being packed, I have a choice.

This moment is mine to do with as I wish.

While reality gets it’s awful chance to climb on into the boat, I can asses the situation and choose to take care of myself.  I can choose to rearrange my plans with friends until later in the week when I might feel better.  I can choose to ask for help with meds or food or support.  I can choose to spend a few hours at a time dealing with backed up email from my vacation instead of hurling into the strategic plan that I wanted to review this week.

I can choose me.

While my sinus infection and pink eye are not cancer’s fault, cancer has definitely taught me about the different choices that I have.  Choosing self care means that today, I have chosen to relax, look through pictures from my vacation, snuggle with my pups, and hope that tomorrow brings a few hours with house packing potential.

What does choosing self care mean to you?  How do you rearrange plans to choose you?

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